Great expectations

Recent spate of events led to me to think about the expectations we have on the people around us. These expectations evolve as the nature and depth of these relationships change. While some people are holding on to the quality of such relationships in the past, they forget that time has passed and the other party might have moved on to another stage in life, a stage that has lessened their value of this "used-to-be-close" relationships. For example, a colleague I used to be close to expressed to someone else I know his disappointment about not being invited to my wedding, his unhappiness surprised me. We've had very little chance to speak in the past half a year, due to some structural shifts in the company. To me, I had lost contact with him, to him, we were close once.

Over one lifetime, we develop many relationships... friendly or romantic, short or long-term, same-gender or otherwise, casual or professional - these relationships live and thrive on as long as each individual's needs are met by the other party's contribution.

Expectations comes into play, whether expressly or not, as an element of survival of the r/s. As the nature of the relationship changes, my expectations of these people and relationships change - from friends to lovers, lovers to spouses, lovers to friends, casual colleagues to friends, etc. We have different levels of expectations of people around us, our desire of support, respect, chemistry, humor, companionship depends on our perception on how deep/engaged we and the other party are in these relationships.

It is also natural that a new relationship demands investment of our time and attention, inadvertently at the expense of another relationship which must take a temporal or even permanent backseat. We all know to forgive our friends when they get "lost on our radar" when they start seeing someone. Being close friends, we must all the more give them space to develop that new romantic relationship, for his/her benefit and happiness - something's got to give, and any unwillingness to do so, will merely strain the friendship and cause the other party to be miserable.

I am now faced with simultaneous changes of a few relationships in my life. Adapting to my role as a wife to my husband, to understand and accept our changing expectations of one another and adjusting my expectations so that I express my needs and difficulties, yet not to impose or demand them. Time for myself has dwindled to an almost miserable stage, if I complained of having no me-time before marriage, well now the situation is like a few times worse. I haven't taken a single photo since returning from Perth on 12 May, nor found any time to sit down with my journal to gather my own thoughts. Work had spiralled into a mad frenzy, the need to reach office on time together with KT means that my waking hours are brought forward by nearly 1 hour. Bedtime's also brought forward so what originally were the most active hours of my day (me being nocturnal, is from 11pm to 3am) is now spent in slumber - some days, I walk around like a zombie, an owl forced to follow the schedule of a rooster.

I've been getting a lot of mood swings lately. I can't be entirely sure what's causing it - the change in my sleep schedule that leaves me often tired and zombified in the day, or the appetite suppressant sibutramine that I have been taking to lose weight. The drug is known to cause depression in patients, although from what I have read, it's not a common side-effect.

All this plus a recent incident that has somewhat, innocently but undoubtedly, affected my friendship with a colleague I'm closest to, and a good friend on whom I have been quite dependent for emotional support particularly when I'm having relationship trouble with kt.

It's just my emotional neediness acting up again. My logic reminds me the heaviness of such a burden, it would be selfish of me to ask of anyone to understand it, let alone share it with me. Perhaps it is now that God is teaching me to be independent emotionally, and rely on Him, and to seek the connection with my husband more than anyone else. Tho it is tough to remember that things happen for a reason, when all I feel is that I'm drowning in the overwhelming current of changing relationships, expectations and spiral of busy-ness. That connection as I search for it, is weak at the moment, he is trying to get used to the demands of being married too.

I thank all those who've shown their concern, there are some things I can't say, part due to pride, part due to privacy and part due to a realization of how 2 people can have such different perceptions of a friendship, and the vulnerability of an open heart...

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." - the key now is to rise above, look beyond my own situation and look outwards to the needs of others... and leave my own pain to God, since I am helpless at self-healing. I wait patiently for the new revelation I will receive at the end of this episode, the character it'll build and the beautiful butterfly wings that will spread once the pressing ends.

Tho now the pain of pushing out of the cocoon goes on and the loneliness masks my cries in this dark place...